Friday, November 25, 2022

Black Friday

Listen up you capitalist dogs! Your economy needs you! It's no time to be thinking about saving for the future! Real happiness comes from buying people things they don't need and will forget about within minutes! Let's not forget the real people who matter here, the shareholders. I'm not talking you and your pithy 401k nest egg. I'm talking the ultra-rich, the new-age aristocrats largely born into their privilege and taught nothing but "more is better at any cost". How can they buy their yachts, and more importantly maintain their political influence if you don't pony up? In the end their philanthropy, a mere midday shadow of their wealth, will save you. The pensions cut from their companies and their tax breaks have reached a limit, they must have more! They will remember you well as they curse you for not giving them enough. Remember, they are special among people and their spit has the value of gold as it rains on your grave.

That hard fought nest egg you're building will hardly get you to the sunset of your life anyway, why not enjoy it now? The latest tech, a new car, a foot spa, it doesn't matter. The happy memory of this exact moment will get you through your pensioning days and detract from the hunger pangs. Debt is good and highly encouraged. Give until it hurts, but give from Bezo's warehouses or Walton's distribution centers. Musk must make his earnings somehow! Why make anything homespun when the click of a mouse is so much more convenient and satisfying? 

So give, my friends, keep the "economy" rolling. Spend, spend, spend. Every penny from your purse helps secure your spot in the catacombs around which the foundation of our great society is made. To expect any more recognition is a prideful sin. So have a Happy Holidays and remember to fill those stockings!

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